Most people have at least one style of clothing that drives them absolutely nuts. As I mentioned in our recent open thread asking readers to tell us which styles they hate seeing men in most, I absolutely cannot stand salmon-colored shorts. I saw at least ten pairs while walking around New York’s High Line on Sunday, and every single time, I felt a little bit nauseous and wished they would all just go back to the Dave Matthews concert they came from. Many of our readers seem to have similar reactions to other types of pants and shorts, so if you happen to be a guy wondering which bottoms women aren’t down with, this is for you.
Like I said in our compilation of the styles of men’s shoes that women hate most, this is not about body type or physical attractiveness or saying dudes are awful people if they wear these clothes. (After all, women deal with that type of judgment regarding our bodies all the time, and it always sucks.) This is about the fashion trends that are plaguing the wardrobes of the innocent. Spoiler alert: a lot of them are worn by Justin Bieber.
So, which bottoms are the worst? Let’s examine the answers.
1. Jean Shorts
Jenni says, “Jean shorts send my vagina on vacation.” I empathize–every vacation my vagina takes is the result of jean shorts, so I’m conflicted now because my vag loves to travel, but I’ve used up all my PTOs. :-
2. Basketball Shorts
Dudes, I understand that basketball shorts are comfortable, but why are you wearing them everywhere? I am so perplexed by this choice, especially when it’s made by dudes whom I am 100% certain know better. As Delilah notes, it looks “like you’re fifteen and trying to be cool.” Jezebeelzebub calls them “neither shorts nor pants, they’re like a mutated strain of capris or gaucho pants,” which sounds so very hot, except now I want to send my vagina on vacay once again.
3. Plaid Shorts
Chantel Beam hates the specific combo of “plaid shorts and flip flops,” which I’m pretty sure is what half the dudes in my prep school wore to the clambake.
4. Drop-Crotch Pants
loser_sneeze says these are the worst: “Whatever those terrible baggy pants are that Bieber wears. The ones that look like Hammer pants with the crotch to the floor.” An explanation from our own Jenni Maier of what these are: “You’re thinking of Adult Diaper Pants, right? They’re so hot right now. Literally hot, diapers don’t really breathe well.” (Okay, fine, it’s not a real explanation, but that’s because they cannot be explained.)
5. Ill-Fitting Suits
Maria Guido says, “Suits that are too big,” which commenter loser_sneeze says makes the dude look like he’s “playing dress up in daddy’s clothes.”
6. Baggy Shorts
Hayley’s biggest peeve: “Every time I see a dude wearing baggy basketball shorts at a bar or a party or a place where women are wearing heels, I get irrationally angry about it.” Seriously, it’s like when dudes wear flip flops to a nice dinner–yes, of course, we would all enjoy wearing slippers and pajamas, but we’re not all doing that, are we?
7. The Frat Boy Look
Heather is not cool with everyone’s favorite dude-bro look: “The Frat boy oversized hoodie, baggy jeans and baseball cap look. Go to your kegger without me. AND PULL UP YOUR PANTS!!!!!!” And get off my lawn! (But really, get off my lawn, dude. And take your Axe-flavored Pinnacle with you.)
8. Cargo Shorts
Jenny doesn’t get the hate for shorts (probably because she is more fun and tolerant person than I), but there are exceptions: “When it’s hot out, and it’s not a smart event, I think they’re a perfectly valid choice. The problem is that classic, well-fitting shorts are a rarity nowadays, and guys seem to either end up with cargo shorts (which at least have lots of pockets and get you out of having to carry their wallet/keys/sunglasses for them) or overly elaborate numbers with lobsters on them.”
9. Pleated Pants
LittleBird is extra particular, and I love it: “Pleated pants instead of flat fronts. Ill-fitting suits, both too big and too tight.” Pleated pants remind me of American Psycho.
10. Tight/Loose Jeans Combo
According to Anne Marie Hawkins, there is a terrifying creature mix evolving: “I once saw a guy wearing the improbable combination of skinny-baggy jeans. They looked like they were painted on his legs, but the seat was so baggy it was migrating down his hips to his thighs as he crossed the street. Worst ever.” HORROR.
11. Ill-Fitting Jeans
You know, you’d think men would have an easier time with jeans because they typically don’t have to deal with the same body shape issues that plague women who just want to find one pair of jeans where the top isn’t squeezing the hips, and the legs aren’t sweatpants-loose. (Ahem.) But nope! There are so many poorly-fitting jeans out there for everybody! Reader Charmless finds this both disappointing and fascinating: “I’m fixated on the fact that most men do not own a proper pair of jeans. I don’t even know where these ugly jeans come from. I mean, do stores still sell saggy-bum, light-washed men’s jeans? Which ones? I want to set them on fire. I’m such a snob when it comes to men’s denim. The thing is, they don’t need to be expensive. For every really sexy pair of raw denim Nudies I see, there’s a pair of Levi’s with a good fit and a nice wash. Your’ helping a buddy move’ jeans shouldn’t be the same as your ‘going on a date’ jeans. Ever.” We concur, lady.
12. Ridiculous Pants
Oh, but then there are those absurd Miley Cyrus-Esque pants that lots of rich dudes seem to wear at clubs where bottle service makes 22-year-olds think they’re cool. If your pair has studs and embellishments and swirls all over, I am judging you a little.
13. Tight Jeans
Robyn is not down with “jeans that are tighter than mine,” which I personally disagree with because my ninth-grade boyfriend wore skintight pants, and I looooved it, but I have heard so many women cite this as an aesthetically displeasing clothing choice, so it is definitely worth including here and this post isn’t about my poor choices in high school.
14. American Flag Shorts
Alana can get behind patriotism, but not so much when it’s hanging around a dude’s hips and junk: “American Flag Shorts = Douche Bro I Don’t Wanna Know.”