The world is full of fashion rules: No white after Labor Day. No black at weddings. If you’re a redhead, you get an even bigger heap of fashion rules: No red. No pink. No red lipstick. No black mascara. Bah humbug! There are, however, a lot of rules that just make good sense for those of us with red hair. “Wear sunscreen” is a good rule. It is also important to never, ever wear any of these:
1. The color red, at any event where bulls will be present.
If you are going to Pamplona or to a bullfight, or to a 4-H fair, please do not wear red. Cartoons tell me that it makes bulls go crazy and attack, and I would hate for that to happen to you.
2. A wedding dress for someone else’s wedding
3. A meat dress for a PETA event.
Not even Lady Gaga can pull this off classily.
4. A human head as a hat.
This is very difficult to pull off if you have red hair.
5. Anything that used to be part of a human being.
This is basically just a good life lesson in general.
6. The same thing as Kate Middleton.
Trust me and Kim Kardashian on this one; you do not want to be the subject of a “Who Wore It Best?” versus the Duchess of Cambridge, even though I’m sure she’d be very nice about it.
7. Anything pink that is itchy.
You are a goddamn grown-up who pays taxes and feeds herself, and does her own laundry. You should never have to wear anything that is itchy.
8. Mini skirts that are made of endangered animals.
Whether it is morally acceptable to wear fur or leather is a matter of some debate, but it is really not OK to wear a mini skirt made of an endangered tiger or white rhinoceros.
9. A jacket with a note for your mom pinned to it.
If someone needs to contact your mother, they can call or text her like a normal person. Now that you are no longer in kindergarten, it is no longer acceptable for people to communicate with your mother by pinning missives to your clothes.
10. Flip-flops to a formal event.
Flip-flops are a wonderful invention, but it is very difficult to wear them without making a flapping sound when you walk. Don’t wear them to meet the queen because the queen will judge your flappy feet.
11. A Disney princess costume to Disneyland.
Except for special events, Disneyland does not allow adults who do not work for them to wear costumes in the park. If you show up in costume without a change of clothes, they will not let you into the park, and you will be sad.
12. A T-shirt that spoils the movie you’re about to see.
I kid you not, I went to the midnight book release for Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, and there was a dude there in one of those “Dumbledore dies on page 596″ T-shirts. Some kids cried. Then he hit on me. Great shirt, bro.
13. This bloody Kent State sweatshirt.
WTF, Urban Outfitters? Why did you even make that shirt?
Do not wear blackface. Not even if it is Halloween.
15. A crop top made of knives.
While I appreciate the craftsmanship and artistry behind this surely very avant-garde piece of fashion, it sounds very painful. Perhaps consider yoga pants or a designer sweatshirt instead.