If you’re interested in walking around looking like a human candy cane, might I suggest one of these x bathing suits?
Ready or not, it’s official swimsuit season. For some, that means donning the cutest pin-up styles or channeling their inner cool-girl via FKA Twigs-inspired cutout suits, and for others, it means hiding in the shade to prevent the inevitable summer sunburn. But no matter what your preference, they all have one thing in common: If you stay out long enough, you’re guaranteed some kind of tan line. Just how aggressive the tan line is? That’s up to you to decide. Or, you know, the bathing suit you are wearing. But that’s assuming your bathing suit is sentient, and if it is, I think we have bigger problems on our hands than a poorly-placed cutout.
As I was saying, tan lines are an inevitability of summer, and some swimsuits leave behind some, well, creative ones. Personally, I’m a big fan of simple one-pieces and high-waist bikinis that don’t require a Ph.D. in physics to put on, but I understand that some people want to choose fashion over function, tan lines be damned. If you’re one of those people, read on because we’ve got some fun ones for you to try. And if you’re not, well, read on anyway, because you’re already here, aren’t you?
Here are 10 bathing suits that’ll give you ridiculous tan lines, whether you want them or not:
1. Mikoh Seychelle’s Monokini
My reason for including this is twofold. First of all, I’m pretty sure you could never wear a tank top or a backless shirt again after sitting out in the sun with this bad boy. Second of all, I first found it while reading an article about “finding the right swimsuit for Zodiac sign,” and I’m not sure what Scorpios that writer was talking to, but I think she is confused. Just because we’re supposedly “mysterious” and “sexy” (and by supposedly, I mean I’m definitely a ~*mysterious*~ lady), that doesn’t mean I want to wear something out of that really awkward scene from New Girl.
2. Beach Riot Jamaican Swimsuit
First of all, the concept of this bathing suit confuses me. I generally wear one-pieces when I don’t feel like showing off my stomach for whatever reason, so why would I want one that only shows off my stomach? Second of all, there’s no way this wouldn’t leave you with a colored round patch on your midsection like they used to have on teddy bears, and I really don’t know that that’s a look that anyone wants to go for these days.
3. Floral Laser-Cut Swimsuit
Yeah, it’s cute now, but it won’t be so cute when you run out in a crop top or a bikini the next and have a weird sun tattoo chillin’ on your abs.
4. Beach Riot Riptide Pam Pam Swimsuit
The “H” that’ll show up on your stomach after tanning in this one will stand for, “Hello, here’s my horrible tan line. Would you like to talk about all the other questionable decisions I intend to make this summer?”
5. Lisa Maree The Golden Boy Swimsuit
Who doesn’t want to look like a dream catcher, am I right?
6. LA Hearts Strappy Criss Cross Front Bralette Bikini
You can pretty much say goodbye to statement necklaces for a couple of weeks after wearing this because once you’ve got that tan line around your collarbones, you’re not going to be wanting to draw too much attention to the area.
7. Lipsy Multi Strap Swimsuit
Nope. Just so much, nope.
8. Nasty Gal Up To No Good Swimsuit
Okay, all things considered, this isn’t that bad, but I can just imagine this being the literal worst if you happened to get sunburned while wearing it. There would literally be no way to find clothes to not touch them, the peeling would be terrible, and it would literally be all over your body. You’d look like a zebra but not majestic in any way.
9. Lisa Marie Fernandez Triple Poppy Bow-Embellished Swimsuit
This doesn’t even look that comfortable, to begin with. Wouldn’t the knots on the bow dig into your stomach? And with this one, not only would you get tan lines from the cutouts, you’d get lines from poorly placed ribbons. It’s just not a good look.
10. Nasty Gal Manic Funday Cutout Swimsuit
Aaaand I’m done. Where have all the normal bathing suits gone?