What Your Back-To-School Outfit Says About You

Forget prom, Halloween, your wedding … the most important outfit of the year is the outfit you wear on your first day of school. The first day of school is your annual opportunity to define yourself to everyone around you, and then you are stuck like that forever because obviously it is not what you say, think, or do, but what you wear that defines you. Even if school is a distant memory, your choice of the first day of school outfit will still dictate everything about your career, relationships, and future. Here is our 100-percent scientific and accurate assessment of what your back-to-school outfit says about you.

1. Something completely new and ripped exactly from a fashion ad in a teen magazine.

You are so susceptible to taglines. You think milk does a body good, and you really had to watch “Must-See TV.” You might not be the most original, but very few people around you will notice that. As far as anyone else is concerned, your life is perfect. You probably have an Instagram account that is so curated it makes all your friends jealous, even though they don’t realize you’re just copying your avocado toast and macaron and shoe photos from other bloggers your friends haven’t heard of.

2. A completely new look, unlike anything you’ve ever worn before.

When is the best time to suddenly go goth? The first day of school! It is the traditional day of self-reinvention, of course. Everyone else might think this is just a costume or a phase, but if you keep it going long enough, they’ll forget you ever went by anything other than “Morticia.”

3. Something cute your mom picked out.

You are good-natured and obedient and almost certainly a National Merit Scholar. You keep planning tiny changes like bangs or a new hair color, but your mom talks you out of them if she doesn’t think they’re pretty. You should really nip this in the bud soon, or you’ll be 30-years-old and have to listen to your mother moan because you got a pixie cut without her permission.

4. The same thing you wore on the last day of school last year.

You are too clever by half. You’re really quite smart and thoughtful and funny, but literally, nobody gets any of your jokes. There’s about a 40 percent chance you will go on to become a famous writer, but even if that does not work out, you will spend the rest of your life chuckling softly at life’s absurdities. Nobody else will get what is so funny, but you will always be amused.

5. The weird thing the cool girls wore over the summer.

weird thing the cool girls wore over the summer

You spent all summer gathering up the courage to wear ikat and hair chalk, and you finally did it. You look cute, but you’re freezing. Also, your edgy outfit isn’t edgy anymore because everyone else has already worn it. You’re wearing it safely, and you probably know it, but don’t feel bad. You’re a bit timid now, but you’ll outgrow it. Someday you’ll have a very good job that you like a lot, and you will put a bunch of money into your 401K and when you retire you’ll be able to travel and take up painting. You’ll be very happy.

6. 100 novelty Band-Aids.

You super want attention, but you haven’t yet figured out the difference between “good attention” and “bad attention.” One time you got a scrape and people asked about it, and now you are covered in plastic bandages that look like strips of bacon. When you are in your 20s, you are going to buy a lot of rounds of drinks at the bar. You will be broke, but very popular.

7. A T-shirt from your favorite show, book, or band.

You’re probably new and looking to make friends. Luckily for you, this is actually a very good way to do it. Walk around in a plain T-shirt, and nobody might ever work up the nerve to talk to you while you’re trying to work up the nerve to talk to someone else. But if you show up in a T-shirt for your favorite fandom, chances are good that at least one diehard fan will see it and run over to talk to you about it. Now you are best friends for life!

8. Whatever, you don’t care.

You are not a morning person, and that’s respectable. Honestly, I agree with you. There is no amount of bouncy hair that is worth an hour of sleep in the morning. Just wear what makes you comfortable and you’ll be fine. You might want to consider putting some weird stickers on your graphing calculator because I always thought that was fun.

9. Something that violates your school’s sexist dress code.

You are fabulous. Fight the power! You don’t cringe before authority, and that will serve you well in your life. You’re probably going to be extremely rich and powerful someday.

10. What your friends are wearing.

This does not make you a conformist, it makes you part of a crew, and that’s great. Keep your friends close. You have some weird hobbies, but they occupy like 90 percent of your headspace. A lot of people might not get that, but your friends do. Keep it up.

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