Let’s talk about white pants for a minute. We all want to wear them, right? You see them on celebrities, style bloggers, and taunting you from store windows. They’re the white whale of the pants world. I wear black from head to toe nearly every day and even I find them tantalizing.
Since Memorial Day has passed, it’s finally not against the archaic rules of fashion to wear white pants. They may not be off-limits (or whatever) for a few months but that doesn’t make them any easier to wear. For a garment that should be a summertime staple, white pants sure have a lot of drawbacks. Between potential stains and visible panty lines, I’m not sure if there’s any item more anxiety-inducing than a fresh pair of clean white jeans.
Here are the 9 worst things about wearing white pants:
1) You will definitely spill on them.
It’s all summer fun and games until you’re frantically pouring seltzer on your thighs to get the Sangria out before it stains.
2) You will instantly stain them irreparably.
White jeans sound like a perfect summer staple, too bad you’ll get grass stains on them if you wear them to a picnic. All the tide sticks in the world won’t save your precious white pants once you get blueberry pie on them.
3) You will sit in something and walk around with a gunky butt.
Forget about outdoor seating! Unless you want to dust and shmutz on the butt of your white pants, you’re standing up. White pants need to be coddled and babied.
4) You’ll unintentionally show the world your underpants.
It’s inevitable. If you want to make God laugh, try finding underwear that stays hidden under white skinny jeans. Wearing a light jacket or a tunic that covers your highly visible panty lines will help keep you from feeling self-conscious.
5) You will menstruate in them.
Getting your period unexpectedly while wearing white jeans at the pier with your crush is the bogey man from “Most Embarrassing Moments” sections of teen magazines. I’m not sure if it’s ever actually happened to anyone, but nobody should have to run around with bloodstains on their crotch.
6) You will get a weird amount of attention.
Can’t a lady just wear a pair of pants in what should be the most neutral color of all without getting unsolicited comments from friends and strangers alike? No, a lady cannot.
7) You won’t feel like you’re pulling them off.
Screw what you heard, everyone looks good in white.
8) You won’t know what to wear on top.
Matching blouses to blue jeans or black pants is way easier than knowing what to wear with white. My first inclination is to do all-white-everything and look like a cult leader or hospital orderly.
9) You will regret the decision to wear white pants.
They’re a major fashion commitment. Once you step outside in your white pants, there’s really no going back. What are you going to do? Return the white jeans you stained within 20 minutes of wearing? Just go for it. No fear.