Open Letter To High-Waisted Acid-Washed Jean Shorts

Hello there, high-waisted acid-washed jean shorts!

I do hope you’re having a fine day today. Based on the amount of women I passed on the streets this morning donning your look, I’m assuming things are more than well and you’re actually rolling in the dough. And not just minimal dough, but real dough; like the kind of dough you find in the pockets of people who own a Bentley and five homes. It must be fun.

So here’s the deal: I do not understand you. You make zero sense to me. At first, I thought you were just specific to hipsters, but that no longer appears to be the case. I see you at movie theaters in New Hampshire, on bicycles in the Cape, and hanging around less than trendy cafes in Boulder — a place not exactly known for being “hip” when it comes to clothing.

Admittedly, I have tried you on because it seemed unfair to judge you without having at least given you a whirl. There I stood, my shorts just a few inches below my boobs, and sighed dramatically. I looked like Sponge Bob Square pants. I looked like hell. So I tried several different tops that may have helped the situation, but nothing worked. Nothing.

I wasn’t trying to get you to fit me as a means to fit in and be one of the cool kids — as that seems to be your major demographic — but I just wanted to see if I could pull it off. Could I rock you without feeling ridiculous? Could I waltz the streets of this great world and be at peace with my high-waisted acid-washed jean shorts. The answer is no. I could not, can not, and never will I be able to and, frankly, I’m fine with that.

Why? Because I think you’re ugly. I think you’re the ugliest thing that has ever happened to denim and every time I see you on someone, I’m quite certain an innocent fairy somewhere dies. Yes, that’s what you do to fairy tale creatures — you kill them.

So dear high-waisted acid-washed jean shorts, please cease to exist. Don’t do it for me or the thousands of women who look ridiculous in you, but do it for fairies. Yes, do it for them.

Thank you in advance.

xo. Amanda

Comments From Readers About High-Waisted Acid-Washed Jean Shorts

lucygoosey74:

• Haha, I damn nearly spit out my soda when I read that you looked like spongebob squarepants!! Where the hell do you even buy acid washed high wasted jeans?
• My city is not exactly known for great fashion and sometimes women come into my (clothing) store wearing acid washed tight ankle jeans (and NOT ironically, these bitches are also sporting tasmanian devil t-shirts and 80′s mall hair) and I try sooo hard to save them and get them some jeans that aren’t publicly humiliating, but many of them fight me and resist my help. Poor souls, they just don’t want to be helped.
  • Lemona:
    • I also see Taz shirts and mall hair, and I keep wondering why earnest 80s style is still holding strong in some places. Or rather, I keep wondering if it will ever move forward into 90s items (And1 tees?).The thing that’s sad is that I would look better with mall hair. I just *know* it would flatter my features more than my up-to-date style. But I can’t do it.

• Ms. Pants:
  • High Waisted Acid Washed Jorts + Beret Chicken Sweater = True Love 4eva!
    • Amanda Chatel:
      • YOU GOT IT.

• Jen:
  • THANK YOU x 1 million for posting this timely and so very crucial Public Service Announcement.
  • Acid wash, high waist, cut-off denim jorts. WHY? For the love of GAWD! I’ve been in a complete state of befuddlement over these things since I started seeing them online (thankfully I have yet to witness this sartorial travesty IRL). It’s just so very wrong.
  • Also? Sublimation print. Can we make this go away as well? That would be awesome.

• DebMoore:
  • I too have been concerned with this trend. The best piece of fashion advice I heard was “If you did the trend the first time around for the love of god do not go for round two”. I have already done the acid wash high waisted jean shorts (It was the late 80′s and I was in Jr. High) so I am totally off the hook to even entertain wearing them or anything “acid wash” again THANK GOD!!!!

• holleeta:
  • I think I’m at a time in my life where I just hate all trends. I pretty much hate everything. I’m a miserable girl.
    • Amanda Chatel:
      • Can we be miserable girls together?
        • holleeta:
          • yes!

• Ellen W.:
  • There’s also something going on around here (Northern California) where average-sized girls wear short shorts in bright colors like melon or hot periwinkle if that were a color. Which would ordinarily be problem enough for me (neutral bottoms 4evah!), but part of being 14 is making wild fashion choices.
  • But they are wearing short-shorts in bright colors that appear to be at least one size too small. And they are all super-pale. I don’t know where this came from and I don’t know why it’s staying. The first time I just assumed the poor girl Had Issues; after the third I had to accept it’s a trend of some kind.

• Sabrina:
  • Haha! I love high waisted denim right now! Especially acid washed! I’m very into a Dirty Dancing trend phase right now… in fact, I’m wearing high waisted black jeggings right now rolled up over my ankle! And actually, every time I’ve worn my high waisted jeans, someone has commented that it looks like I’ve lost weight. Oh hell yes! I’ll take it.