Online dating can be an awkward experience, but it is much easier once you know how to translate the messages you will get 100 times a day.
As I have mentioned more times than my parents would likely prefer me to on the Internet, I have been doing a bit of binge dating since my recent breakup. Despite the occasionally awkward moment, binge dating has been going surprisingly well–and been infinitely more entertaining and emotionally productive than my typical dive into a six-month rebound relationship. And one of the best tools I have found to facilitate my newfound hobby in New York City is online dating.
Shrugging your shoulders and turning up your nose at the idea of looking to the Internet or your smartphone for romance? Most online dating apps like OKCupid, Tinder, Hinge, and the like have a lot of normal people on them! (Well, hopefully at least, because I’m on them, and I’m like 85% painfully average.) That said, you will need to weed out some of the weirdos, creeps, and jerks combing through 30 pages of search results in one sitting to find a date, mass messaging people nonstop with lazy greetings. Sifting through these types of messages gets much easier once you know what the most common ones “mean,” so here’s a quick and dirty guide to the typical types you’ll undoubtedly receive about 100 times a day.
Message #1: “Hey.”
Translation: “You’re the seventeenth woman I’ve messaged, so I’m not going to put a ton of effort into this.”
Message #2: “Hey!”
Translation: Same as above, plus “…but I think your profile picture is sort of hot.”
Message #3: “Hey, sexy.”
Translation: “I have no idea how to talk to women.”
Message #4: “Where do you live?”
Translation: “How much effort am I going to have to put in to hook up with you?”
Message #5:” Your eyes look like oceans. Can I dive into them?”
Translation:” I’m the kind of tool who rhymes ‘life’ with ‘strife’ when I write poetry on the subway.”
Message #6: “You’re so beautiful; I can’t believe you need an online dating site.”
Translation: “I’m just gonna assume right now that your self-esteem is so low that my vague attempts at flattery will work.”
Message #7: “I want to have sex with you.”
Translation: “I want to have sex with you.”
Message #8: “Wasn’t sure if you saw my first 4 messages, so I’m just checking in again!”
Translation: “I cannot take no for an answer. I’ll be sending another 4 of these, so keep an eye out!”
Message #9: “So, what do you do?”
Translation: “I just looked at your photos and didn’t read anything about your profile, which is probably good because I don’t care about any of that anyway.” (This one is nullified provided you didn’t list your occupation, or you’re just Tindering anyway.)
Message #10: “You look like a bad girl.”
Translation:” My relationship skills were developed by watching Swingers with my older brother and pretending to grind with imaginary women to Robin Thicke.”
Message #11: “You’re not as hot as you think you are.”
Translation: “I’m hoping that being negative towards you so early in the conversation will serve as evidence to the theory that women only like men who are mean to them.”
Message #12: “I’m a nice guy.”
Translation: “I’m such a nice guy, I need to tell you instead of presenting myself as one by exhibiting kind behaviors. Oh, and if you don’t respond in the next 24 hours, I will be calling you a bitch.”
Message #13: “I love you.”
Translation:” I’ve been on this site 3 years and haven’t slept with anybody, so…?”
Message #14: “I want to [insert graphic description sexual acts] you right now.”
Translation: “You should probably just ignore this–I’m just letting out steam because some girl rejected me at an Upper East Side finance bro bar last night, and I want my pity party to include your vagina.”
Message #15:” I’m huge.”
Translation:” Porn isn’t cutting it for me tonight, so sending dick pics and associated captions is the next best thing.”
Message #16: “My girlfriend and I have been looking for…”
Translation: “I want a threesome.” It doesn’t matter what comes after the above words; trust me, they do not just want to make “cool new friends.” Dude wants a threesome.
