You know how there are some couples everybody just can’t stand? They may be your friends, and you may love them (or at least one of them), but they drive you absolutely crazy. Here’s the problem: what if you are that couple and have no idea?
So, to honor one of TV’s most annoying couples of all time, Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag, who inexplicably did an E! special about how they’re still together and how they should have $10 million in the bank and how they regret lots of stuff, I’d like to present a list of symptoms to you all. The illness: being that couple, everybody wants to strangle them.
1. You refuse to go anywhere without one another.
Stop following each other EVERYWHERE. Seriously, this is fucking annoying. Just because you’re dating–or even living together!–doesn’t mean you are suddenly conjoined twins. Because if you were, it would be weird that you’re dating.
2. You assume everyone is inviting both of you.
Hey, you got invited out! Congratulations! Oh, you assumed that your partner was added to the invite automatically?
Yeah, no. If he or she had been, then chances are, somebody would’ve mentioned that. This is especially annoying and rude when someone else is paying for the meal or activity.
3. You constantly use the royal “we.”
We get it. You share a lot of the same opinions and experiences. You love sharing said opinions and experiences.
But STFU, you are still an individual human being, and as much as you both believe cat people are better than dog people, I was only asking your opinion.
4. You refuse to let go of one another’s hands in public.
This one especially goes for people who live in cities: just because there are two of you, it does not mean you have to stand side-by-side.
When other people need to get by, let them get by; they’re not trying to literally split you up. They just don’t want to be stuck behind your mild PDA fest for three more blocks, you inconsiderate douchebags.
5. You use your gross pet names IRL around other people.
It’s one thing to have weird pet names. We’ve discussed this at the office several times, as many of us have significant others with whom we use pet names (often ones that are kind of mean-sounding).
But while I may call my partner “stupid fluffy honey bunny” on my phone, complete with emojis, I would never call him that across the room at a party.
6. You Instagram yourselves making out.
Pictures together make sense. After all, you are dating, and you probably spend a fair amount of time together, and that’s rad.
However, you can snap shots of yourselves eating, dancing, and going on Disneyland rides without tilting your head and pushing your lips together in front of the Magic Sleeping Beauty Castle.
7. You make out while other people are talking.
According to one of my coworkers who used to be a server at a restaurant, some couples straight up refuse to stop kissing long enough to give servers their orders, which is absurdly rude in so many ways.
It forces people who want or need to speak with you to watch you kissing and, as she said, “stare at the ground like some kind of antiquated parlor maid.”
8. You talk about your sexual life to everybody.
I’m not referring to your friends, with whom you may often converse one-on-one about your sex life. I’m talking about those couples who inexplicably find a reason to bring up what toys they use, what positions they want to try, how big it is, that time you got fingered on a plane, blah blah blah.
This is weird and ridiculous. Keep that shit to yourselves and very specific Reddit boards.
9. You assume everyone wishes they had what you have.
The number of times I’ve heard the phrase “she’s just jealous because she’s miserable and alone” astounds me. Here’s a thought—maybe not everyone wants to be in a relationship.
Maybe lots of people would very much prefer to be single. Maybe not everyone is just “waiting for the right person.” Your relationship may be amazing, incredible, and life-changing for you, but don’t assume you are officially the Joneses.
10. Speaking of which, you also assume you know everything about relationships.
Being in a relationship does not make you a relationship expert. Do you have a master’s degree in the psychology of human relationships? No, so stop giving your friends unsolicited advice.
11. You can’t stop hanging out, even with other people.
Look, it’s one thing if you’re at an event where only one of you knows the guests. In that situation, it makes total sense to be glued together! But if you guys are the kind of couple who whispers and giggles to one another at dinner despite there being 8 other human beings at the table, then just go home. You’re killing my appetite.
12. You become shitty friends when you’re together.
Are you one of those couples who immediately drop everything for one another? Who, as I said in #1, cannot handle doing things alone or–worse–cannot handle your partner doing things with other people besides you?
Who cannot be at a party for longer than 20 minutes because they’d rather get home to watch Seinfeld reruns in their pajamas, a habit that they think everybody should know because it’s oh-so-endearing that you guys are just homebodies, blah blah blah? Then congratulations! You probably suck as a friend.
13. You announce things through Facebook status updates that could easily be privately told to one another.
My biggest annoyance with this is when people wish each other a happy anniversary. “I’m so glad to have Kevin in my life; he’s my rock, and I’ve loved him so much through these last 5 years.” “Happy anniversary, baby!”
No. You don’t deserve a computer anymore. Yes, I can just delete you from my friend list, but that would seem passive-aggressive and unnecessarily mean, and I obviously would never want to add a negative touch to somebody’s special day. Plus, it’s kind of adorable when older parents or grandparents do it!
But still, for this generation, the message stands: stop writing status updates about how many vegan meals you two dickheads ate over the past few years, or get off my internet.
So, in summary:
I mean, not really. There are lots of couples who are great! I hopefully am part of one of them (oh god, friends, please tell me if we’re not).
Basically, just use common sense—would you want to constantly hang out with 2 people who talk about banging each other around your parents, who can’t stop making out, who refuse to talk to anybody else? Eh, probably not.