12 Things You Need To Do Within The First 12 Minutes Of A First Date, Or Else

Dating is so very frustrating, isn’t it? You claw, and your bite and you scratch your way to the top of the pile/OKCupid search, but it just doesn’t quite work out the way you planned every time (i.e., marriage within a six-month period, right?). What’s a girl to do? Well, according to the Daily Mail, where one should be acquiring all of one’s dating advice, it’s because the first 12 minutes of your date didn’t go perfectly.

Research released today shows it takes just a few minutes for us to decide whether we are keen on someone new.

Singletons will be immediately judged on their smile (64 percent), whether they make eye contact (58 percent), and their tone of voice (25 percent).

Friends, it is time we create a rule book for all the things you should do (or not do) on a first date, lest you wind up alone forever, or at least embarrassed of your poor walking-in-heels skills. We’ve compiled (and helped interpret) some helpful advice from other sites so you can ensure your dates will be the best ever.

1. Show off your inner sports lover, even if you do not like sports whatsoever, by making your breath smell like a college football player’s jersey.
2. Let him know you won’t be paying, but you will eventually be pretending to consider it. Maybe.
3. Maintain eye contact at all times. Should you need to step out, be sure to follow him with your eyes. Walk backwards, if necessary. If you’d like to be truly impressive, don’t get up to pee; reveal your dedication to the situation and just let it happen right then and there like a 3-year-old. He’ll be impressed with your youthfulness.
4. Be deliberate. Choose everything. Tell him when to blink and breathe.
5. Don’t look nervous. Take classes beforehand and do character studies on bad actors who cannot adequately project emotions (TY, Keanu Reeves).
6. Don’t ask questions. In fact, don’t say anything at all. If he cannot yet read your mind, you’re likely unsuited for one another.
7. Hold off on proposing unless you’re like, really sure. And you already Google stalked them for 12 hours, so it’s basically like you went on five dates beforehand.
8. Don’t use endearing names because it’s weird. Go the entirely other direction and instead opt for critical ones. Call him “asshole” and “douchebag” until he turns into a pile of putty (or a bag of douche). Or call him the names of all your exes; everybody loves that.
9. Be honest, but not if it’s something really important. For example, if you are an alcoholic who got sober five years ago, perhaps it is best if you just tell him you’re on antibiotics. Major decisions that have improved the quality of your life considerably are the best-kept secret. You want somebody who likes you for First Date You, not Actual You.
10. Don’t look at other human beings. Like I said in #2: eye contact. If the server arrives and asks you a question, pull a Lucille Bluth and refuse to look at them until they leave.
11. Think about your tone. Use the softest, highest, most baby-like voice you can manage so he isn’t intimidated by you. If he can hear you, you’re speaking too loudly.
12. Order what you think he wants you to order. Remember salad shaming? It’s alive and well, so don’t order it even if you want it more than anything else on the menu. Get a full rack of ribs, devour them, and remember to maintain eye contact the entire time.

Bonus: You know what? Just don’t be yourself. Facebook stalk the object of your desire until you can mold yourself into becoming the perfect amalgamation of everything he’s ever been interested in. And eye contact. Always eye contact.