Valentine’s Day food coverage is full of theoretically sexy foods and spurious aphrodisiacs, but there is nothing more fun or sexy than a good cocktail. In spite of that, many bartenders have felt compelled to “gild the lily” with some overtly sexy cocktail names, resulting in a menu full of erotically themed cocktails that are so embarrassing to ask for that you’d have to be drunk to order one.
We’re starting off easy because if saying “wallbanger” makes you blush, you’re going to have a hard time with some of the coming ones. This drink is vodka, orange juice, and Galliano. It’s a classic and not bad for a vodka drink. There’s not a lot of subtlety going on here, which is to be expected when you just mix one strong spirit with a mixer and a liqueur so intense it will overwhelm the flavors of anything you put in your mouth. If you like orange juice and the vanilla/ginger/anise flavors of Galliano, you’ll probably like this one.
Sex on the Beach
Sex on the Beach is the first cocktail you ever knew the name of. If you ever got past the giggling phase to order it, you probably discovered that it’s quite tasty. It’s sort of like a starter cocktail for your Tiki phase. Fittingly, it is best consumed on an actual beach.
We don’t know who came up with the mixture of Jägermeister, peach schnapps, and cranberry juice, but it is inexplicably popular amongst college students. If you have red hair, chances are good that a skeezy person has sent you one at a bar. If you are a grown-up who does not like the word “slut,” you might feel less inclined to order it. Stick with that feeling, and it will not lead you astray. Nothing good ever came from Jäger.
This one is just Maraschino liqueur and cream served in an up glass. Dropping a Maraschino cherry in there makes your cocktail look like a boob, which is presumably where it gets its name. We have long since passed the point at which one can order these things without awkwardness, so if you really want one of these, we recommend just drinking them at home.
This is a layered shot of Bailey’s Irish Cream and Sambuca. If instead of Sambuca you use Butterscotch Schnapps, you are drinking a Buttery Nipple and probably wish you were actually eating an ice cream sundae instead of ordering embarrassingly named drinks at a bar.
Bend Over Shirley
If you have not yet outgrown the Shirley Temple but have definitely outgrown not being drunk, this is basically a Shirley Temple with raspberry vodka added to it. Just take the vodka, add Sprite or 7-Up, add more Grenadine, and then garnish it with some cherries, which you will almost certainly spend the rest of the evening trying to tie into a knot with your tongue. (Being able to tie a cherry stem into a knot with one’s tongue is supposed to be a sign of sexual prowess, but considering that it’s very easy to do that if you just hold one end of the stem firmly between your teeth, it should probably not be taken that way.)
Why is it always the weakest, floofiest cocktails that have the most obscene names? This one is vodka, amaretto, orange liquor, crème de cacao, and cream. It sounds pretty vile to us, but if the ingredients list won’t turn you off, having to give a stranger an opening like, “I’d like a screaming orgasm” almost certainly will.
Long Slow Comfortable Screw Up Against A Wall
At a certain point, you just know that a cocktail’s ingredients were chosen not for their flavor profiles, but just because someone wanted to make the name as graphic as possible. That happened a long time before someone thought of adding Sloe Gin and Galliano to Southern Comfort, vodka, and orange juice to get the words “slow” and “wall” in there. As a result, this is one of the more embarrassing drinks to order. The name is just so long that you have to really be committed to the drink before you go, or you’ll just wind up chickening out and ordering a rum and coke.
The Blow Job cocktail is a shooter made by layering Baileys on Kahlua and topping it with whipped cream. It’s actually pretty tasty, except you’re supposed to drink it without using your hands. If you’re looking to be the center of attention in the bar, ordering a few of these is a pretty good way to do it.
(Image Source: Instagram).