NARS Wants You To Pay $35 For Sad '90s Temporary Tattoos
NARS Wants You To Pay $35 For Sad ’90s Temporary Tattoos.

Some beauty products are worth the high cost. Others, like these sad $35 temporary tattoos from NARS, are basically an insult to customers.

As an avid makeup lover, I am willing to pay a lot for high-quality or unique beauty items. As a human being with even the slightest bit of logic, I will never be willing to pay 35 dollars–that’s thirty-five bags of Pirate’s Booty–for these temporary tattoos from NARS.

Since the introduction of Flash Tattoos last summer, there have been countless copycats and spinoffs. Now, NARS is getting in on the action by coming up with a way to cash in on the trend, but instead of adding something interesting to it or making it their own, NARS is just selling you the same bad designs you could get from a 25-cent machine at the drugstore as a kid. Behold, the least appealing temporary tattoos yet.

Here’s how NARS describes the temporary ink:

The pulse of Tahiti, the mark of a moment: four sheets of limited-edition temporary tattoos transport and transform with an exhilarating edge. Adventure, by design.

Some of these designs could likely be cut and styled in a manner that would look okay, but certainly not all of them. The Ikea flower designs? The teensy triangular bands? The checkerboard? These belong on a pillow in the Urban Outfitters sale section, not on a human being’s body. They look like the tattoos college kids get to “always remember” their semester of studying abroad. Obviously, there are authentic, intricate tribal tattoos that many tribes (including ones in Polynesia) give to members, but these designs from NARS aren’t some genuine tribute to those–they’re just overpriced and lazy knockoffs.

Lately, numerous luxury brands have been seen jumping onto tattoos and piercings, like a 57-year-old uncle who’s just discovered the “Like” button on Facebook. For example, Givenchy raised eyebrows by slicking down its models’ baby hairs, giving them fake facial piercings, and calling the look “Victorial Chola girl” beauty. As per usual, it stems from a desire to be the edgiest square in the game, but just as the Aeropostale-girl-turned-Hot-Topic-grrrrrl before them, it comes off as contrived and desperate. In NARS’ case, it looks like the brand barely put any effort into its designs whatsoever; it’s as though the middle-aged makers simply said, “Kids these days loooove those tattoos–and that Backstreet Boys band! Let’s combine the two, eh?” And voila, this product was born.

(Related: Controversial Cult Fave: Does NARS Orgasm Blush Live Up To The Hype — And $30 Price Tag?)

Here is a list of people who can and should wear these fake tattoos:

  • The designated badass member of a ’90s boy band.
  • The designated pretty member of a ’90s boy band after the band has disbanded, leaving said member sans band and therefore pro-armband tattoo.
  • Edgy mimes.
  • Preteens crumbling under peer pressure.
  • Susan Boyle going through a rebellious stage.
  • The lead singer in a ska band.
  • Eccentric millionaires.
  • Eccentric billionaires.
  • Katy Perry, when she’s appropriating…something.

If you do not fall into any of the aforementioned categories, I apologize for the inconvenience, but you will have to skip the luxury checkerboard and settle for regular ol’ $1 temporary tattoos or–whaaaaat!!!–actual tattoos.

P.S. But if you do fit in one of those groups, NARS actually allows you to set automatic reorders of the tattoos. That way, you can pretend they’re real. You don’t want your friends to discover you aren’t really the eccentric mime you claim to be, do you?

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