What Your Beauty Product Says About You

Makeup is a wonderful thing. Few things in life are as fun as perusing a Sephora and buying utterly random things that just seem like fun to play with, especially if you’re not really sure what they do. But everyone has their favorite makeup product. Here’s our 100-percent scientific and accurate assessment of what your favorite beauty product says about you.

1. Lipstick

You have a firm list of requirements for the type of place you will live when you “grow up”: A dishwasher, garbage disposal, and in-unit laundry. You write excellent cover letters and it makes you feel so weird to see someone sending out form letters from the Internet that says, “I am a good fit for this position because I am organized, enthusiastic, and responsible” without even changing the adjectives. You desperately want to own a pair of toe shoes, even though you never did ballet past the “pretend to be flowers” stage. Somewhere in your apartment is a craft box that would make a six-year-old’s dreams come true.

2. Eyeliner

Are you a Leo? You are very dramatic. I’m not sure if you’re still an actress, but you don’t think of yourself as someone who is not an actress. (You totally dabbled in costume design, didn’t you?) You almost answered “lipstick” for this question, but you decided that “lipstick” was not specifically “red lipstick,” so you went with eyeliner instead.

3. Perfume

You want to live in Taylor Swift’s “Blank Space” video, but really, we all do. You’d be willing to live in a condemned building with no bathroom or kitchen if it had high ceilings, pretty floors, and wall moldings. You weren’t going to use the kitchen anyway, were you? Your idol is not Taylor Swift, though you are a fan. Your idol is Helen Mirren.

4. Nail Polish

You’re so arty. I bet you had trouble drawing a straight line for years, but then you realized you don’t need to draw a straight line to be fabulous. You can just use a ruler or the side of a book if you need one, but secretly you suspect straight lines are basic anyway. Remember Lisa Frank? Lisa Frank was fabulous. You’re having kind of a Lisa Frank moment right now. You need a cocktail with mint and citrus post haste. Try a whiskey smash.

5. Eye shadow

You are a wellspring of joy and fun and everyone laughs when they are around you, even though your humor is dark and cutting and sometimes makes people a little uncomfortable. You know a lot about Greek mythology, especially the weird stuff. You watched The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, and now you think Xanthippe is an excellent baby name, and also you cannot hear the words “Pinot Noir” without giggling.

6. Contour and/or highlight

Fuck authenticity. You despise effortlessly. Nobody should ever have to apologize for trying too hard or caring too much. You do not believe in doing things halfway. You were either on every page of your high school yearbook, or you were in charge of the high school yearbook. (These are not mutually exclusive, and you might have been both.) You do want to know how the sausage is made. You get upset when people make snide comments about makeup being a mask. You don’t think makeup is a mask; you think it’s a microphone.

7. Sunscreen

You’re playing the long game. You might not be the flashiest or the sexiest in the high school gym, but just wait until you’re 60 and everyone is going, “She’s sixty!?” You probably started keeping a retirement account at 24, a year before everyone says you should. If you are reading this and are young, you should both wear sunscreen and start a retirement account. Really, you will feel very smart and be very happy in 10 years. 30-something you want you to do that.

8. Mascara

You’re probably a natural blonde or redhead who considers her own lashes lacking, and for you, mascara was a revelation. If there was a fire in your apartment, you would probably stop to put on your mascara before fleeing the building. Your life up to this point has been a museum-caliber curation of excellent stories about being drunk. Remember that one time you got way drunk and super had to go to the bathroom? God, that story was really embarrassing, but you tell everyone. The more embarrassing a story is for you, the more you love to tell it. You particularly enjoy tales that reflect badly on your own judgment. You are a joy at parties. For real.

9. Lip gloss

You hate things that only have one use. If someone really wanted to piss you off, they’d give you a specialized tool that is only good for one thing, like this weird box that makes hard-boiled eggs square.

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